I was very, very drunk

We left Durdle Door a day early to go to a party back home.
On the way back I popped into the local cider farm to pick up a gallon of fowl scrumpy with my last fiver.

My grandparents we out of town and asked me to look after their bungalow for the week, So I requested the help of my four Friend's.
We headed there, got showered, changed, grabbed our drinks and got into my car.
After a week in the metro, josh was refusing to drive.
So it was down to me and my car to get us to the party.

Upon arrival I sat down with my scrumpy and, pretending it didn't smell and taste like the contents of a tramps bladder, started to down it.
It didn't take long before the effects started to take hold, and very quickly, the room was spinning and I was not feeling too great.
I headed to the bathroom for a multicoloured yawn, I was well past the point of no return and josh was trying to pour more cider down my throat, to make me feel better.
This is all I remember of the night, the rest of the story is made up of bits and pieces Ive been told from the others.

Josh got worried as Ive been gone for an hour and there was a cue of people trying to get into the bathroom, so he decided he would have to get me out via the window.
Finding a fence post in next doors garden, he started hitting the window, trying to smash it to remove a passed out krusty.
I think it was at this point I woke up on the bathroom floor with a girl outside asking it I could reach the lock on the door.
I could, and they carried me out.

no one bothered to tell Josh who was still beating the window with a wet piece of wood.
Mike decided It was probably best that I didn't drive, and since he was the most sober, and nearly had a driving licence, that he would taxi us home. The party was nearly over anyhow.
they carried me to the car, and a guy called Nick jumped in saying he needed a lift and he wanted to show us something cool on the way home.
He had a Saturday Job in a country park and had the keys to the gate, so we headed there, while I continued being sick in my lap, in the passenger seat.

We got to the park and the four lads in the back seat was moaning it was cramped and smelt of sick, So Nick, being the considerate one left the car via the window and stood on the roof.
The game of rodeo commenced, with Mike ragging my car over the speed ramps trying to throw Nick off the roof, and me projectile vomiting into the windscreen.
I never did find out who won, or if Nick survived the night, Ive not seen him since so I doubt it.
My next memory was waking up in my car, alone, covered in puke,

Looking up there was foot prints on my sunroof and I had no idea where I was.
I rolled down the yellow and green splatted window to see my grandparents house at sunrise.
staggering out of the car I found the back door of the house wide open and the lads asleep in my grandads bed. The bungalow was trashed, like another party erupted there at some point. leaving me to clean both the house and a car almost full of recycled scrumpy.

Water Taxi

This story was recently told to a captive audience at Mikes wedding.

We were in town drinking in a church that has been converted into a nightclub, checking out the local talent. When Mikes drink fell out of his glass, over the balcony, and down this girls cleavage.

Unfortunately she was being chatted up by a bouncer at the time who decided Josh and Mike should maybe drink somewhere else that evening, and throw them both out on there arse.

Under normal circumstance, me and Ben would have followed them, but we were trying to get inside these two birds we were chatting to, so left them to it.

Josh and Mike are a dangerous combination on their own. Especially when they have had a shandy or two.

During the long walk home they had to cross a river on a bridge, below the bridge was a old wooden boat that has clearly been dumped there as it failed as a sea worthy vessel.

In their drunken haze they knew that they lived by the river so decided to go home by boat rather than the more expensive taxi option.

Looking around for oars they found only one, Mike managed to get to it first.

Josh searched about and found a spade and soon they were pushing the boat into the water to start their voyage home.

Josh soon realised that the spade was not the best way to move the boat and made a grab for Mikes oar. Stamping on the bottom of the boat during the scuffle,

putting his foot clean through the bottom.

As the boat started to sink, Mike dived into the water and started the long swim back to the bank, fully clothed and fully drunk.

He turned to Josh and to his horror, sees him still in the boat , going down with it like the true captain he is.

“Josh?”

“yes Mike?”

“your drowning!!!”

“shit thanks dude” said Josh and he throw his newly acquired oar and started to swim, some distance behind Mike.

As Josh got to the river bank he noticed Mike, in handcuffs, having a nice chat to some nice policeman.

Thinking that they have been busted for nicking the boat, he had to think on his feet.

“ah there you are Mike” he shouted

“here’s that tenner man, cant believe you actually did the dare of swimming, you earned it

the police didn’t notice that Josh was dripping wet and that the tenner was soaked too.

It turns out that the nice police men, all their search lights the vans and the helicopter above were not looking for two drunk boat thief’s after all. They were after a guy with a knife.

Porn Sleeping

It was a Friday night, I think we were still at school.
I know it was a Friday because the other four slept around mine. As was the usual arrangement.
Its so the others can have a drink without there parents finding out.
Mine were too busy getting divorced to notice.
We staggered home from what ever park we were hanging out in, to my empty flat.
My olds were out at a party or pub somewhere and were due home late.
Now would be a good time to show the lads the film I found in my parents bedroom.
I remember it being a bit hotter than the usual bluey s they used to have, so we were all sat around the front room in our sleeping bags, with a can of lager watching some Italians going at it on top of a car (it wasn't a metro).
When my mum walked in!
There was no time to say anything, so I pretended to be asleep.
So did Josh,Mike and Neil.
Only big Ben didn't notice the sound of the front door, he was too engrossed in the film.
What my mum seen was 4 lads asleep, and Ben with his nose almost touching the screen of a rather explicit sex scene.

Greatest hits

We used to come up with songs while staggering about.
  Here some of the better ones.

During a long walk to the beach , big Ben kicked off an argument that ended in this song being written.

Ill always be a fat bloke,
No matter what I eat,
ill always be a fat bloke,
And never see my feet.

Ill always be a fat bloke,
No matter what I eat,
Ill always be a fat bloke,
And have to beat my meat.



This, after unwanted attention from a girl.
(to the tune of house of the rising sun)

There is this whore,
In Durdle Door,
They call Sarah-Jane,
She is quite fit,
But inexperienced,
Now I'm wishing I was gay.


More as I'm reminded of them.

The Three Amegos

One night on Durdle Door camp site, after a heavy night drinking at the on-site club house, we are back at our tent looking for more lager when we hear a girl scream, followed by some crying.
Being the kind of lads that wouldn't get ourselves involved in other peoples affairs,
we ran out the tent to see whats going on.

I think it was Josh that found her, a barely dressed, rather drunk and very upset (read vulnerable) little hunny.
After calming her down with offers of lager and roll-ups, she managed to blurt out that some guy a few tents away upset her somehow.

Often fancying ourselves as white knights in shinning armour, we grabbed what we could from the tent and ran to the shower block to regroup and make our rescue plan.

Josh whispers "okey, okey. What have we all got"
Mike said  " i got a torch!   Hah!"
And throw it in the air and caught it.
I said " i got a cup   hah! "
throw it in the air and caught it.
Then Josh goes " i got a tin of peaches and a jar off coffee! Hah!"
Throws them both up in the air, caught the tin of peaches,
Totally forgetting about the coffee.

Gravity doing what it does best and brought the jar of gold blend coffee down.
It smashed with the loudest sound I've ever heard!
At 1am on a quiet camp site in the middle of nowhere.

We ran into the girls shower block, locked ourselves into cubicles and spent the next 30 mins absolutely pissing ourselves with laughter.

We forgot all about our heroic quest by the time we left the shower block that night and the hunny was gone by the time we got back to the tent.

I remember the three of us moaning about the noise and the mess the following morning to the site owners that was cleaning up the coffee, while we were waiting for our showers.

The man with no arm

During a rather heavy evening , involving while lightning cider and tenants super strength lager, in the same can.
We headed across riverside park to the chippy.

I had my chips in one hand, and a lager in the other trying to eat as we walked.
When a guy with his arm in a sling, in his coat. Walked towards me.
Me being more that a little bit drunk shouted
"its the man with one arm! Run away!"

And legged it down a grass bank.
Now the only way to describe what happened next, would be to say I was going faster than my legs.
I fell, hard, in the air as I tripped I kicked myself in the back of the head, and landed on my face, which was in my chips.
I did what any self respecting pissed up lad would do ,
I laid there, in the mud, drank my beer, and ate my chips.

Poor Mike never recovered from seeing this. He still randomly bursts into laughter 20 years later.

First Adventure

Nine days after Joshs' 17th birthday he somehow managed to pass his driving test, which is just as well as we had our first holiday to Durdle door planned for the following day.
  Joshs' mum being nice or gullible, let him share her car.

The legendary yellow metro!

We grabbed our tent, lots of beer, a can of beans and some more beer and headed on our 1st of many lads holidays, many of us still 16.
A few hours later we arrive at the camp site , the back of the car quickly filling up with empty beer cans.
We throw up the tent and head out to swanage on the search for girls or beer,
Or even better, girls with beer!

And that's just what we found.

A few miles away, Im the middle of nowhere was a Group of people, mostly girls. Doing some kind of organised walk. Somehow Joshs' thought he knew one of the girls so pulled over to say hi.
Soon as the car stopped they all started asking for a lift, as they had 10 miles left to walk.
Joshs' being tight said he would take them where they wanted to go, but he will only make one trip. Me and the other three passengers were booted out on the side of the road, with just a crate of larger for protection from the wild life.

Everyone rushed for the car. As girls are clearly better at packing a car then any lad, One of the walker girls took charge and somehow managed to get everyone in!
The back seats were put down, and 3 people laid in the back, then another 3 layed on top, then another on top of them.
As far as Im aware, there was no accidental pregnancy's.

The poor metro had nine people in it, the boot wouldn't close, there was legs out of the windows and Josh had someone sat on his lap, but it moved! Very slowly it moved, with the tires rubbing the wheel arches and the little 1100cc engine screamed up the road.

I cant remember him coming back, I know he did and that he was gone bloody ages.
But we had finished off the crate of larger by then and the rest is a bit blurry.